Tag Archive: family law lawyers

1. Moving On…

   February 19, 2013 2:57 pm Leave a Comment

   

   By Marie Nickle

   We have to accept, as Collaborative Professionals, that the Collaborative process is not a panacea.  There are many individuals who simply just want to remain in conflict and all the helping to communicate and constructive problem solving we, as conflict resolution experts, can muster will not work.  There is one simple condition needed to assess whether the Collaborative Process is fitting for the case and that is whether the parties are ready to move on from the conflict.  Simple, in that this is the one condition needed, yet not so simple to ascertain.  Of course, most will say they are ready to move on, but behaviour will dictate otherwise.  Absent influence, intimidation, and so on, a party’s readiness to be objectively reasonable is the indicator as to whether that party is ready to move on from the conflict. As lawyers advising our clients, it is as equally important to direct our clients correctly on process, as on the substantive legal issues. If the Collaborative process is the right process, then the client needs to know.  However, the client also needs to know if it is not.  Regardless, due to the last twenty years of sweeping ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution) trends, lawyers need to be apprised of what is out there so they are in a position to properly advise and be responsive to their clients’ needs.  This has resulted with more up-front work needed by the lawyer with the client.  This simply forms part of the new way to practice law, and in particular, Family Law.  If done well, the lawyer will understand whether the client is truly ready to move on…or not.

   Marie Nickle is a lawyer and mediator.  She also trains lawyers and other professionals in the Collaborative Process of Dispute Resolution.

   Marie B. NickleThe Galleria 204-1715 Lakeshore Rd. West Mississauga, Ontario L5J 1J6

   Profession: Family Law Lawyer, Mediator, Collaborative Trainer Tel: 905-823-1232 Fax: 905-823-7104 mariebnickle@bellnet.ca www.mbnlegalresolutions.com

2. Collaborative Family Law: A Safe Place to Have Difficult Conversations

   May 8, 2012 3:17 pm Leave a Comment

   

    

    

    

    

   by Fareen Jamal

   I read an interesting account of one woman’s experience with her divorce, (in Hann McDonough and Christina Bartha, Putting Children First, University of Toronto Press, 1999) and reproduce it here:

   “The Blaming Hamster”

   During our marriage we were like two hamsters on a wheel. We ran furiously, going nowhere, hating our lives and unable to change.

   I couldn’t change because he wouldn’t. So it was his fault. I was trying and he wasn’t. It could not be my fault, he was to blame.
   
   Eventually, I couldn’t stand it. I jumped off the wheel, left the cage, and took my sons with me. There on the outside I discovered another wheel. Beside it was one for him. We took up residence on our respective wheels. The boys had to dance on the top of the wheels while we continued our war with each other. Although I never returned to the marriage, I lived out a slightly altered version of it. That too was his fault. I could not get on with my life because of him. He would do something, I would latch onto it, using his actions to justify my own.

   It took years of this craziness before I saw what it was doing to us. For years I watched my sons bounce back and forth, trying to please us, and paying such a price. One day, way too late, I admitted that I, as well as their father, was damaging them. I realized I could only change myself. I could not change him. Then, to my horror, I noticed that our sons had spun out of control. While we were fighting, they had slowly become delinquent, and we had not even noticed.

   The hamster caught on the treadmill captures the experience of several parents caught in these conflicts. Both parents feel that they have no choice, that they are forced by the other parent’s behaviour to fight.

   Some parents fight to ward off the pain of grieving. They would rather be mad than sad, and the fighting distracts them from pain. Postponing the grieving however, may increase your problems.

   The only way out is to invest in what you can control: yourself and your behaviour. Focus on what you can change. The only one you can control is yourself.

   The legal system escalates your conflict. The adversarial nature of the system polarizes problems. The win/lose, right/wrong approach may work in criminal issues, but as I blogged on December 19, 2011, this is not appropriate for family matters.

   Stay in charge of the systems you consult, and whose services you employ. They are there to serve you, not to rule you. Always inquire about their philosophy and orientation.

   Collaborative Family Law is a voluntary, safe, confidential process to resolve your matrimonial disputes, with a written agreement not to litigate. Collaborative Family lawyers focus on interests not positions, and may use neutral and impartial professionals, such as a financial advisor and/or a child specialist, to assist. Conflict, tension and emotion are not ignored by Collaborative Family lawyers. It is a safe place to have difficult conversations.

   Fareen Jamal Bales Beall LLP 2501-1 Adelaide Street East Toronto, ON M5C 2V9

   Profession: Family Law Lawyer Tel: 416-203-4538 Fax: 416-203-8592 or 416-203-4539 fjamal@balesbeall.com www.balesbeall.com

3. The Collaborative Process: Or Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Lawyer?

   April 13, 2012 4:57 pm Leave a Comment

   By Marie Nickle

   This process is a vehicle for lawyers to actually provide a meaningful service for clients. And why wouldn’t we? We are so well positioned to do so. People come to us at possibly the worst times of their lives. Their worlds are falling apart. They are stressed, sad, angry and above all fearful of the changes they are going through. We, as lawyers, are often the first they turn to for professional help. They are looking to us to guide them toward a resolution to their conflict that includes peace of mind as well as a legal resolution. After all, who doesn’t want peace of mind? Of course, we can’t advertise it and there are obviously no guarantees, but if even a small degree of peace of mind is attained in the process, we’ve accomplished something for our client. How do we do it? One way is being aware that, when children are involved, maintaining relationships is important for the client. Often the client is too immersed in their emotions to think long term. As such, it is difficult for them to form effective negotiation strategies. Often what is in the best interest of the client is tied directly to what is in the best interests of the entire family. We can help a client form good negotiation strategies by focusing on this principle. It will help keep clients centered in terms of what is really important. A true collaborative client will always agree that a good legal result has to include quality of life. After all, what good is it to bargain away an important relationship in exchange for a legal entitlement? If the relationship isn’t important then it doesn’t matter. But most of the time we are dealing with relationships that are important to the client in the area of family law. To provide truly valuable service we need to include advice that includes not only the legal advice, but how any given legal result will impact upon quality of life for the client going forward. This is what your client will thank you for. Not that I expect it, but I realized that I rarely even received thanks from a client, that is not until I started to practice in the Collaborative Process. Now it happens all the time.

   Marie Nickle is a lawyer and trainer of the Collaborative Process.

   Marie Nickle, LL.B LL.M AccFM
   Lawyer, Mediator, Arbitrator, Trainer
   Former panel lawyer for the Office of the Children’s Lawyer

   204-1715 Lakeshore Road West
   Mississauga, Ontario L5J 1J4
   T: 905-823-1232
   Email: mariebnickle@bellnet.ca